iamtammy:

二度と会えなくなったらやだ？

Would you be sad if we never met again?

I hate being alone. When I’m with someone, I can forget any problems I might, and there are no negative emotions nagging at the back of my head. But when I’m alone, everything comes converging into one point in my mind. Memories of my past, and thoughts about my present and future come crashing into me like a black wave. And these days, even occupying myself doesn’t help drown out my overactive mind. 

I hate being alone. But at least I’m not alone in that, right?

Sometimes I don’t want affection. I don’t want cuddles and kisses, I don’t want love or closeness or smiley faces.

Sometimes, I just want to unload- to whisper, speak, shout and sing at the top of my lungs. And in those moments when I can’t keep those emotions of anger and sadness inside, I don’t want to be held close and wrapped up; it’s stifling and I cannot release without fear of hurting someone else with my words.

In a nutshell, sometimes I like to be alone, and sometimes I just need someone to listen to me- nothing else.

Sometimes I’m sick of tiptoeing around everyone else’s feelings. I’m kind, to a certain extent, and I don’t want people to get hurt- but there are times when I have to be harsh to get a point across but they don’t understand, and choose to ignore the help I’m giving them.

I’m usually happy around my friends, but I can be cold and serious when the situation requires it- but I find myself being restrained around people, like I can’t be the real me when we all really need it. 

Things fall apart so easily. Things that seemed so great before crumble before your eyes. We all make the mistake of getting too attached too quickly.

Some people don’t understand how much I cherish my alone time. Being alone doesn’t simply mean sitting in a corner and cutting yourself off from all life. It means having space to think, having clarity and a mind free from nonsensical thoughts. 

People seem to think that this makes me antisocial, and perhaps, a recluse… separating myself from everyone else makes me realise how special being with friends can be. Everything is good in moderation.

A memory is such a precious thing. A memory of a few seconds back, or a memory of a few years back. A memory is a piece of time that exists forever in your mind and in your heart. It’s powerful beyond imagining- no matter how many walls you erect, a memory can slice through them swiftly. 

But what I find comforting about memories is that no matter how harsh life can be to me, I can sit back and rewind- a cup of green tea, some music and remember. I can remember a time when I went on holiday with my father. A time I sat with my best friend in Japan and stared at the beautiful view with not a care in the world. 

We all have dark days, but we can always find the light, if we remember.